Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Writing for Therapy

I wrote this a few days ago and totally forgot about it. It was one of those writing for therapy things. I also have a physical journal that I write in when these bad feelings pop up. I started last year when Will's deployment was officially decided. I haven't written in it lately, but I think it's time to pull it out and write again because it gets harder and harder as the day gets closer. (Not that we even have a date...just a vague week when he'll most likely leave.)



Most of the time I'm really strong as he prepares to leave me. But sometimes my resolve weakens at the most random moments. While we're lying on the couch watching tv. When I first wake up and reach for him. When he makes me breakfast and hands me the plate. Soon enough he won't be cuddling me as we watch Netflix all night, he won't be there when I reach out in the morning, and I'll have to make all my meals for myself. It's the little things I'll miss the most.

I'm just trying to memorize how it feels to be near my husband, to physically touch him. Not in a sexual way, but just in a "you're here with me and I can prove it by touching you" kind of way. I need that feeling to hold onto for almost the rest of the year. I told him no more blowing kisses to each other across the room while we can help it. I only want the real thing as often as possible because soon enough we'll be sending kisses over screens and letters. I'm hugging him more often. I'm kissing him longer. Anything to try to hold onto him while I have him.

Most of the time I'm really strong. But not always. And in those moments of not always, I break. I wonder how I was ever able to hold it together. I have to remind myself over and over that I'm not dealt anything that I can't overcome.

We've been through worse distance and we've been through longer separations when we were less committed to each other. Not only did we survive it, we came out of it stronger and closer. This is my mantra.

6 comments:

  1. You've got the right attitude! Enjoy him while you can and keep in mind that when it's all said and done you'll be even closer. The time leading up to it is always worse than deployment itself I swear. We will all be here for you when you are feeling down. It's normal and we've all been there! It's great you have an outlet like your journal and your blog. Writing about it always helps me too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sure there is nothing I can say that will make him leaving any easier. But I'm glad writing helps. I know you are making the most of the time you have w/ him now. I hope that his deployment will be short and he'll be SAFE (most important).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Gosh girl, way to make me tear up. Everything you are feeling I feel the same. A couple nights ago while just laying beside Carl I almost started crying just knowing how much I'm gonna miss that. But we have to be strong. I love how you shared this though, always good to know we're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Believe me, I have hard days too. Some days are better than others, that's for sure. And when I have a rough day, I turn to my chocolate drawer.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You've described that feeling very accurately. It makes me sad to remember it and sad for you two. You're right though- stronger and closer! It will happen :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, girl, I can't even imagine. Like you--I was long-distance with Angel the whole time until we got married. We lived in different countries for three months, too. But I think it really does suddenly get a whole lot harder when he's actually your husband and when you're used to sharing life with him. I know you're tough, but it's okay to be sad about it.
    Just wondering, are you guys planning that he'll always be in the military for his whole career or just for a few years? I'm just asking because lot of the young military couples I know are now getting out of the military after, like, 4 years of service.

    ReplyDelete